A letter to Little Love....
In June 2016 I was taken to hospital for emergency surgery due to an ectopic pregnancy. It was a traumatic and sad experience for me and I am still working through my emotions. February was difficult because it would have been month 9. Writing is an outlet that allows me to work through my feelings, feel not so alone, and release fears that I may be holding onto. I also write because I want other people to know that they are not alone in their experiences. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to post this but I feel like I need to so, this is my letter...
Dearest Little Love:
Its not that I forgot about you....I think about you all the time. I just felt like life was moving forward and truthfully I expected that you would have shown up again by now; ready to start a life with us.
I know you are out there and waiting for the perfect time to arrive, but I have to be honest...I'm afraid you might never come.
I really didn't expect this moment to be so hard for me. I didn't think I would be crying on my way to work, or feeling the need to write and pour out my heart; yet here I am. Although that's the funny thing about expectations; they are never what you think. That's something I hope to teach you one day...
With each passing month I find it harder and harder to feel hopeful. The fear of never receiving you is all consuming and at times I don't know how to cope. I feel so alone; like I'm stranded on an island, praying for someone to find me and tell me that hope is not lost and that everything is going to be okay. No one has come yet, I'm still waiting.
While I wait I go through the motions of my life. I wake up, go to work, see my girlfriends, drink some wine, visit family, cuddle the animals, go to the gym, read books, take road trips, go shopping, make meals, clean the house, do my laundry.... but in the back of my mind I am always thinking about what things would have been like if you were growing all those months, and especially what things would be like right now.
I'm working hard at trusting and trying to dig deep at what I need to learn, and recognize what I have received from this experience but right now my heart just aches; and that's okay. Its okay because I know that my aching means that you were loved and wanted. Life is confusing and sometimes it doesn't seem fair but I move forward knowing that all I am going through is preparing me for what I have asked for in this life.
Stay close Little Love,
xo
Dearest Little Love:
Its not that I forgot about you....I think about you all the time. I just felt like life was moving forward and truthfully I expected that you would have shown up again by now; ready to start a life with us.
I know you are out there and waiting for the perfect time to arrive, but I have to be honest...I'm afraid you might never come.
I really didn't expect this moment to be so hard for me. I didn't think I would be crying on my way to work, or feeling the need to write and pour out my heart; yet here I am. Although that's the funny thing about expectations; they are never what you think. That's something I hope to teach you one day...
With each passing month I find it harder and harder to feel hopeful. The fear of never receiving you is all consuming and at times I don't know how to cope. I feel so alone; like I'm stranded on an island, praying for someone to find me and tell me that hope is not lost and that everything is going to be okay. No one has come yet, I'm still waiting.
While I wait I go through the motions of my life. I wake up, go to work, see my girlfriends, drink some wine, visit family, cuddle the animals, go to the gym, read books, take road trips, go shopping, make meals, clean the house, do my laundry.... but in the back of my mind I am always thinking about what things would have been like if you were growing all those months, and especially what things would be like right now.
I'm working hard at trusting and trying to dig deep at what I need to learn, and recognize what I have received from this experience but right now my heart just aches; and that's okay. Its okay because I know that my aching means that you were loved and wanted. Life is confusing and sometimes it doesn't seem fair but I move forward knowing that all I am going through is preparing me for what I have asked for in this life.
Stay close Little Love,
xo
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